He’s not Him

Jennie

"Alex is gone."

"Alex is gone."

"Alex is gone."

"The patient didn't make it."

"The patient didn't make it."

"The patient didn't make it."

Those sentences kept on messing around my head, sentences that I still can't comprehend. Who is dead? Alex. Why he died? He died because of car accident. I've been answering my own question for the past hours.

"Jennie."

"Is this just a dream, mom?" I stared at my boyfriend's casket with his graduation picture on top of it "Wake me up, mom, tell me this is just a dream, wake me up." I said, denying the reality in front of me

"No, honey." Mom sat next to me "Alex is gone. Look, I know it's hard for you but Alex won't be happy seeing you like this."

"You kept on saying Alex is gone but that's not true. Alex is just with me this morning, we had breakfast and lunch together. Alex is just upstairs, sleeping."

Why do I keep on denying it? I kept on denying it when the reality is in front me. Alex's corpse is in his casket. My boyfriend is dead. Who is dead? Right, Alex, my boyfriend. When will I stop doing this to myself?

"Jennie, maybe it's better if you take a rest, it's already five in the morning, and you've been there for five hours now." Alex's mom said to me from behind, placing her hand on my shoulder "You also need to rest."

"Is Alex there in his room?"

Here I am again.

My mom and Lexa looked at each other. No, don't give me that look. I'm not pathetic.

"Yes, honey. Alex is there, waiting for you." She lightly squeezed my shoulder and plastered an encouraging smile

"Okay." I stood up and forced a smile to them "Alex doesn't like waiting."

People from our former college school, Alex's friends and relatives are here. What's up? Yeah, Alex is gone. Finally, my mind finally comprehends that sentence but how about my heart?

Alex's friends are standing near the staircase, looking at the casket. Are they feeling the same way? Are they still denial?

"Our sincerest condolences, Jennie." Alex's best friend, Michael said

I smiled at them "Alex is waiting for you there." I said "I'm sure he wants to hang out with you, guys."

They smiled at me but their eyes say otherwise, my eyes mirrored their eyes, grievances.

They hugged me before making their way to Alex.

~~

I opened his bedroom door, realization somehow sinking to my mind that he's really gone. I lay down to his bed where he left his scent. I hugged his pillow and cried my heart out until I fell asleep.

"Honey, your friends are here."

I slowly opened my eyes, adjusting to the sunlight coming from the windows "Hey, mom."

She sweetly smiled at me "Your friends are waiting for you downstairs. I'll go home to get you some clothes; I know you don't want to go home yet."

I sat up and stretched my arms up "Thank you, mom. How's Alex doing downstairs?"

Mom gave me a look of sympathy. Alex is gone. Right, my boyfriend is gone.

How can that happen? He was just with me yesterday. We just went on a date for our anniversary. How can he be dead? Is he really dead?

"Good night, love." Alex kissed my forehead "Happy anniversary."

His sweet gestures are the reasons why I'm falling for him everyday "Thank you for today, love. Happy anniversary."

"I love you." He said with so much love "I love you always and forever."

I looked into his eyes, those eyes that remind me how much he loves me everyday "I love you, Alex."

"Jennie..."

"How Alex can be dead, mom?"

"Jennie, honey, everything will be okay." Mom sat next to me and pulled me in a hug "Cry it out, honey."

Am I crying? I confirmed that when a sob escaped from my mouth, sob and tears of sorrow and grief. Alex, I never thought that this day will come. I don't know how and where to start.

"He's gone mom. What will happen to me now? What will happen to our baby?" I sobbed on my mom's shoulder

"You're..."

"I'm two months pregnant, mom. Alex and I will be having our first baby." I put my hand on my tummy "But Alex is gone, what will happen to us now? I can't do this alone, mom."

"We're here, honey. We won't let you be alone."

I will love our baby with all the love I have in me, I know that's what you want, Alex.

~~

Jane and Rose are waiting for me when I went downstairs. Michael and his friends are still here, people from Alex's work and his relatives are also here.

"Lexa said that they can't contact Mira, it's a pity that Alex didn't even meet his..."

"We thought you're not going to show yourself to us." Jane touched my forearm "Why are you just standing here?"

She pulled me towards Alex's casket, I turned my head back to Alex's auntie, what is she going to say? Who is Mira? Who is the person that my boyfriend didn't meet?

"Hey." Rose waved her hand in front of my face "Why are staring at Alex's auntie?"

I slightly shook my head and turned my attention to my friend "I'm sorry."

"Why Alex's casket is close?" Jane asked

"Lexa wanted people to remember Alex's handsome face not the injured one." I stared at Alex's picture "Isn't he so handsome?"

Rose placed her hand on my back and soothes it "Indeed, Jen."

"He won't be the campus heartthrob back way in high school if he's not that good looking." Jane added just to make me a little happy

No matter what they do, the pain in my heart is undeniable. I wanted to be with Alex but I can't, our baby needs me.

~~

Time flew off like a bizarre; it's been three months since we lost Alex. Little by little, I'm learning to live life without Alex. This baby he left with me is the greatest reason why I'm still fighting.

"I think it's time for you to file a leave, you're going to give birth in less than four months now." My mom advised

"I still have a project to finish mom that will be the last." I kissed her cheek after I finished my breakfast "I need to go now."

My mom just sighed, can't contradict my decisions "Take a good care of you and our baby boy."

"I will mom. Before I forgot, Jane and Rose will crash in here later, they will arrive before me." I produced my keys from my handbag "See you later mom."

Little by little, I'm starting to adopt the thought that there is life inside me. I'm going to a mother soon and I'm sure where Alex is right now, he will be the happiest father.

I arrived at the site on time; I wore my white safety helmet before walking closer to the site.

"Good morning, engineer." The laborers greeted which I returned with a smile

I roamed my sight around, everything is about to finish in less than a week this condominium will be all great.

I received a text from my doctor, reminding me about my check up today. I almost forgot about it.

When I checked all the things that needed to be done; made sure that nothing will go wrong, I bid my goodbye to all the people in the site. I can't be late with my doctor's appointment.

"He's moving, look."

I glanced at the monitor to see my baby's ultrasound "He's so precious."

She wiped the transparent thing off my baby bump and stood up "Indeed, Jen. You and your baby are doing just fine. Just continue the vitamins I gave to you."

My OB/GYN is my mom's colleague that is why we are pretty close, I'm sure that she's also reporting to my mom about my pregnancy.